It's Venting Time

It's been more two weeks now, since I last updated, and for these past weeks all I've been doing is going through this annoying cycle of plain discomfort.

I think it's safe to say, the past 3-4 months of my life have probably been among the most irritating, and among the months in which I've had the most anger.

Anger. That's something I seem to feel often, nowadays, and I'll fluctuate from some moody, depressed mood, to a light-hearted, approachable mood, right when I have someone to talk to.

And then I'll go right back to brooding when I'm alone again.

The kicker is, is that I wouldn't be in this case...if it weren't for external circumstances.

I absolutely hate not having control over my own life. Sure, there are some things that simply are uncontrollable, but I need that sense of security, that sense of belonging--all that of which I must choose.

And when a decision is taken away from me, and people say "Oh, it will get better!"--That just pisses me off to no end.

Do they understand what I'm feeling? What I'm going through?

What's even more annoying, is when people whom I don't even consider to be my true friends come up to me and say those things. They have no right to tell me that I will like a circumstance any better just because "I'll get used to it."

No, change can be good or bad, but change, when it is forced upon you, and when you are as stubborn and (somewhat) temperamental as me...it just causes these annoying feelings.

I feel like I have no control. So what do I do? I do all of my work a day in advance, just so that I don't have to worry about handing things in late. What do I get called? An over-achiever. Am I one? No. Not really. Instead, I'm just taking all this stress, and trying to reduce it by getting things done early. I don't want to have to deal with it. But somehow, even with all this extra free time that I have--that no one else has, I still feel this everlasting bitterness that just eats away from me everyday.

How is it fair that I do everything that I'm supposed to do, and more, but I still feel this gnawing stress at my bones.

Of course, that could just be the fact that all my friends, all the people that I truly care about are miles and miles away from me. And that the people I am now surrounded by are snobs.

And no, I'm not living in some hoity-toity city. Believe it or not, smaller towns have their fair share of stuck-up richies who seem to think that they're so much better than the neighboring town, so much better than everyone else.

As if they're in this small bubble of isolation, barred off from the real world. Because honestly, of the people I've met, I've never met people (my age) who are so naive--and in such great numbers too.

Basically, I'm just in this endless tug of war in my body, with all these external circumstances gnawing away at me, and with no one (not even family) whom I can truly turn to and feel better.

What am I supposed to do? I just want to get out of this town. Forget that I ever met thee prudish people. Curse their names to the high sky. I want to leave and find a better place, a place where I fit in, a place that is dominated by people with brains, or at least common sense.

Because maybe then, maybe this terrible fluctuation within me will stop, and I'll get rid of all this petty and hard-core stress that keeps on accumulating--and then maybe then, I'll feel better.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother writing all these things, posting them on the internet. I do have a journal after all. Does anyone truly care what one person thinks, in comparison to the 7 billion people in the world today?

And my blog isn't even all that special. Just like my feelings, the posts fluctuate from humorous to thoughtful, to angry, to sad, to inspirational, if I'm really in the mood.

I don't know. I just don't know. As far as I'm concerned, I'm just a weird blogger who doesn't really "blog" so much as "rant", and doesn't really have "readers" so much as "people who accidentally stumble upon a random post."

Ah well. Yet still, I don't really mind it. Sometimes, I do wonder where all the page counts come from. I wonder about the types of people who read it. I wonder if I ever (unintentionally) insult someone. I wonder if I come off as some kind of lunatic. I do wonder these things. But as to whether I actually want people to acknowledge that they've read some of the things that I keep bottled up in me...is debatable.

But honestly, the internet is the only place where you can share your feelings, and still find people who won't judge you for your looks, your voice, your hair, or your eyes. They can only judge you for your words.

And to me, words are so much more powerful.

~*~

Well, I know that was probably a random smush of words that kind of just rambled on and on, but I don't want to edit it. It was a true rant, a venting if you will, through and through, and I really needed to get that out of my system before I post something light-hearted up here.

Anyway, just to accommodate the melancholy feel of this post, I've included one of the saddest (yet one of the most beautiful) songs I've heard.... Ride by Lana Del Rey.

And if you don't like her, don't bother.

~ Banana Win

A Sinking Ship

For any and all out there who need a lift up because they've been having a bad day:

Remember you're not alone.

If you're feeling like nothing's going right, it doesn't mean that things are going wrong.

Even when things seem impossible, it never truly is.

And if you're sad or depressed, imagine all the other people out there, just as sad and depressed as you, and remember that misery has company, and company's better than misery.

I just posted this because life hasn't been going well for me, and I know there are probably other people out their just like me who feel like they're just falling and falling...and they can't get back up. The only way to make it through is to reach for that imaginary finish line, and find something that keeps you going.

If art is what keeps you going, do it. If it's writing, write. If it's reading, then read.

But just remember that we're all just ships in the sea, and even if sometimes we feel about ready to sink, we just have to patch our planks and keep on sailing.

The Tale of the Terrorized Celebrity

There are times when I feel really, really sorry for celebrities.
Why?
They have to deal with so much...drama.

Not only are there tabloids, magazines, television, paparazzi--basically all kinds of media--that broadcast their lives...but even just on the internet, there are so many rumors.

Before I went about writing this, I looked around some social networking sites. (After reading all sorts of terrible things, I am so glad I play no part of the websites).

Did you know that some celebrities have to deal with their own fans hating on them? Does that sound farfetched to you? I didn't believe it at first.

Before I delve into that concept, let's take a moment to think about what celebrities are. They usually are talented people who are involved in popular things. Singers and actors/actresses are just a few of the different kinds of stars. Of course, they probably deal with the most crazy fans and haters as well. But if we really just look at what celebrities are--they're humans. They used to be normal people. They used to be treated like normal people. And lastly, if you honestly think about it, they are strangers. You probably don't know them. I certainly don't know them. And most people don't know them.

So here's where the sad part comes in.

I stumbled across a twitter profile of a singer. And happened to find some twitter drama. I'll put the situation into basic terms. The celebrity (yes he was famous) talks about meeting up with some friends. Said friends happen to be girls. What happens next? Fans reply. Most of the tweets were a range of things along the lines of 'That's not really smart of you' and similar things. Those were related to such things like rumors.  And then, there were some really horrid things, blatantly insulting the friends of the singer.

And that's where the drama begins. I'm sure if anyone insults your friends, you would step up to defend them, correct? Well, it seems that when celebrities do that...a lot of things happen.

First of all, the person to whom the celebrity replies to gets a lot of trouble.

See, when one famous person comments on something...all the famous person's followers do what they always do--they follow. So the one person who said something insulting suddenly gets a lot of hate.

Now. The person who commented shouldn't have said what they had said. The singer had all rights to defend what he had said. All the haters that attacked the commenter? They had absolutely no reason to do so.

I think this is a concept we all learned in kindergarten. If someone hits you, don't hit back. But in the case of big-names, a famous person doesn't even have to hit back. All of the supporters will do that for them. And I think that's really wrong.

You want to know why? Hating someone, and blatantly telling them so, is bullying. I think it's fair to say that it is never right to bully someone, even if they said something mean. No one deserves that. It's no celebrities fault, I doubt that many really realize the impact of small things. It's those people who inflate a small thing to a huge size, and terrorize other strangers. They are the ones who are in the wrong.

But do you see what these celebrities have to deal with?

I think people think fame is all good, but they never realize the downside to it. I never thought fans would actually get mad at a celebrity (someone they don't know personally) if they were rumored to be dating. And unfortunately, it is the male celebrities who get the brunt of that mess. Because let's face it, fan girls will be fan girls. And sometimes, fan girls just really take it too far.

I guess I will never understand the whole concept of "heart"-ing someone or "loving" someone just because they're famous. I just can't comprehend the idea. I also find it kind of shocking how people can obsess over famous people. It must be one of those elusive and unspoken things that no one can quite put their finger on. But it gives me reason to be slightly scared of fan girls (and I have friends who are fan girls).

So there you have it. The tale of the terrorized celebrity.

~Banana Win

We're Luckier Than We Think

I recently read "Night" by Elie Wiesel.
It was one of the saddest pieces of literature I have ever read.
Each word held so much emotion.
And the actual story; my lord it was unbelievable. But the sad thing is, is that the whole story is true.
It's a true holocaust memoir.
It made me think about life. How bad do I actually have it? Yes, I'm annoyed that I have to uproot my life for the umpteenth time, but that's nothing compared to the horrors of the holocaust.
I thought my life was messed up. My life is nothing compared to the horrors that Wiesel writes of.
At least I have a home.
My freedom.
The ability to walk.
But I can't help but get so mad and infuriated; so annoyed; so much so that I block my friends out. I let bitterness overcome me. But am I just being selfish?
Probably.
Maybe it's just human nature.
Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I can be in a worse situation.
But I truthfully think that we can't say one person's life is harder than another's; especially if both of them have gone through hardships.
Sometimes I think my friends are so naïve. Naïve about moving. About parent-relationships. So what if I hate my dad? I have reason to. People don't always get forgiveness. Even if he never did anything to hurt me physically, does that mean I still can't feel emotional pain? They are a bit too naïve sometimes. But I guess I've experienced more than they have. They have their lives to live, and I have mine.
That's the other thing. We're born all alone, into this world. We die by ourselves, we don't take anyone with us. Is it just irony that human nature causes us to want to talk to others? Bond with others? Love others?
I want to hate love. But it's hard.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm lucky. That I could be worse off.

We're luckier than we think.

~Banana Win