It's been more two weeks now, since I last updated, and for these past weeks all I've been doing is going through this annoying cycle of plain discomfort.
I think it's safe to say, the past 3-4 months of my life have probably been among the most irritating, and among the months in which I've had the most anger.
Anger. That's something I seem to feel often, nowadays, and I'll fluctuate from some moody, depressed mood, to a light-hearted, approachable mood, right when I have someone to talk to.
And then I'll go right back to brooding when I'm alone again.
The kicker is, is that I wouldn't be in this case...if it weren't for external circumstances.
I absolutely hate not having control over my own life. Sure, there are some things that simply are uncontrollable, but I need that sense of security, that sense of belonging--all that of which I must choose.
And when a decision is taken away from me, and people say "Oh, it will get better!"--That just pisses me off to no end.
Do they understand what I'm feeling? What I'm going through?
What's even more annoying, is when people whom I don't even consider to be my true friends come up to me and say those things. They have no right to tell me that I will like a circumstance any better just because "I'll get used to it."
No, change can be good or bad, but change, when it is forced upon you, and when you are as stubborn and (somewhat) temperamental as me...it just causes these annoying feelings.
I feel like I have no control. So what do I do? I do all of my work a day in advance, just so that I don't have to worry about handing things in late. What do I get called? An over-achiever. Am I one? No. Not really. Instead, I'm just taking all this stress, and trying to reduce it by getting things done early. I don't want to have to deal with it. But somehow, even with all this extra free time that I have--that no one else has, I still feel this everlasting bitterness that just eats away from me everyday.
How is it fair that I do everything that I'm supposed to do, and more, but I still feel this gnawing stress at my bones.
Of course, that could just be the fact that all my friends, all the people that I truly care about are miles and miles away from me. And that the people I am now surrounded by are snobs.
And no, I'm not living in some hoity-toity city. Believe it or not, smaller towns have their fair share of stuck-up richies who seem to think that they're so much better than the neighboring town, so much better than everyone else.
As if they're in this small bubble of isolation, barred off from the real world. Because honestly, of the people I've met, I've never met people (my age) who are so naive--and in such great numbers too.
Basically, I'm just in this endless tug of war in my body, with all these external circumstances gnawing away at me, and with no one (not even family) whom I can truly turn to and feel better.
What am I supposed to do? I just want to get out of this town. Forget that I ever met thee prudish people. Curse their names to the high sky. I want to leave and find a better place, a place where I fit in, a place that is dominated by people with brains, or at least common sense.
Because maybe then, maybe this terrible fluctuation within me will stop, and I'll get rid of all this petty and hard-core stress that keeps on accumulating--and then maybe then, I'll feel better.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother writing all these things, posting them on the internet. I do have a journal after all. Does anyone truly care what one person thinks, in comparison to the 7 billion people in the world today?
And my blog isn't even all that special. Just like my feelings, the posts fluctuate from humorous to thoughtful, to angry, to sad, to inspirational, if I'm really in the mood.
I don't know. I just don't know. As far as I'm concerned, I'm just a weird blogger who doesn't really "blog" so much as "rant", and doesn't really have "readers" so much as "people who accidentally stumble upon a random post."
Ah well. Yet still, I don't really mind it. Sometimes, I do wonder where all the page counts come from. I wonder about the types of people who read it. I wonder if I ever (unintentionally) insult someone. I wonder if I come off as some kind of lunatic. I do wonder these things. But as to whether I actually want people to acknowledge that they've read some of the things that I keep bottled up in me...is debatable.
But honestly, the internet is the only place where you can share your feelings, and still find people who won't judge you for your looks, your voice, your hair, or your eyes. They can only judge you for your words.
And to me, words are so much more powerful.
~*~
Well, I know that was probably a random smush of words that kind of just rambled on and on, but I don't want to edit it. It was a true rant, a venting if you will, through and through, and I really needed to get that out of my system before I post something light-hearted up here.
Anyway, just to accommodate the melancholy feel of this post, I've included one of the saddest (yet one of the most beautiful) songs I've heard.... Ride by Lana Del Rey.
And if you don't like her, don't bother.
~ Banana Win
I think it's safe to say, the past 3-4 months of my life have probably been among the most irritating, and among the months in which I've had the most anger.
Anger. That's something I seem to feel often, nowadays, and I'll fluctuate from some moody, depressed mood, to a light-hearted, approachable mood, right when I have someone to talk to.
And then I'll go right back to brooding when I'm alone again.
The kicker is, is that I wouldn't be in this case...if it weren't for external circumstances.
I absolutely hate not having control over my own life. Sure, there are some things that simply are uncontrollable, but I need that sense of security, that sense of belonging--all that of which I must choose.
And when a decision is taken away from me, and people say "Oh, it will get better!"--That just pisses me off to no end.
Do they understand what I'm feeling? What I'm going through?
What's even more annoying, is when people whom I don't even consider to be my true friends come up to me and say those things. They have no right to tell me that I will like a circumstance any better just because "I'll get used to it."
No, change can be good or bad, but change, when it is forced upon you, and when you are as stubborn and (somewhat) temperamental as me...it just causes these annoying feelings.
I feel like I have no control. So what do I do? I do all of my work a day in advance, just so that I don't have to worry about handing things in late. What do I get called? An over-achiever. Am I one? No. Not really. Instead, I'm just taking all this stress, and trying to reduce it by getting things done early. I don't want to have to deal with it. But somehow, even with all this extra free time that I have--that no one else has, I still feel this everlasting bitterness that just eats away from me everyday.
How is it fair that I do everything that I'm supposed to do, and more, but I still feel this gnawing stress at my bones.
Of course, that could just be the fact that all my friends, all the people that I truly care about are miles and miles away from me. And that the people I am now surrounded by are snobs.
And no, I'm not living in some hoity-toity city. Believe it or not, smaller towns have their fair share of stuck-up richies who seem to think that they're so much better than the neighboring town, so much better than everyone else.
As if they're in this small bubble of isolation, barred off from the real world. Because honestly, of the people I've met, I've never met people (my age) who are so naive--and in such great numbers too.
Basically, I'm just in this endless tug of war in my body, with all these external circumstances gnawing away at me, and with no one (not even family) whom I can truly turn to and feel better.
What am I supposed to do? I just want to get out of this town. Forget that I ever met thee prudish people. Curse their names to the high sky. I want to leave and find a better place, a place where I fit in, a place that is dominated by people with brains, or at least common sense.
Because maybe then, maybe this terrible fluctuation within me will stop, and I'll get rid of all this petty and hard-core stress that keeps on accumulating--and then maybe then, I'll feel better.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother writing all these things, posting them on the internet. I do have a journal after all. Does anyone truly care what one person thinks, in comparison to the 7 billion people in the world today?
And my blog isn't even all that special. Just like my feelings, the posts fluctuate from humorous to thoughtful, to angry, to sad, to inspirational, if I'm really in the mood.
I don't know. I just don't know. As far as I'm concerned, I'm just a weird blogger who doesn't really "blog" so much as "rant", and doesn't really have "readers" so much as "people who accidentally stumble upon a random post."
Ah well. Yet still, I don't really mind it. Sometimes, I do wonder where all the page counts come from. I wonder about the types of people who read it. I wonder if I ever (unintentionally) insult someone. I wonder if I come off as some kind of lunatic. I do wonder these things. But as to whether I actually want people to acknowledge that they've read some of the things that I keep bottled up in me...is debatable.
But honestly, the internet is the only place where you can share your feelings, and still find people who won't judge you for your looks, your voice, your hair, or your eyes. They can only judge you for your words.
And to me, words are so much more powerful.
~*~
Well, I know that was probably a random smush of words that kind of just rambled on and on, but I don't want to edit it. It was a true rant, a venting if you will, through and through, and I really needed to get that out of my system before I post something light-hearted up here.
Anyway, just to accommodate the melancholy feel of this post, I've included one of the saddest (yet one of the most beautiful) songs I've heard.... Ride by Lana Del Rey.
And if you don't like her, don't bother.
